Wednesday, April 1, 2009

More Comforting Thoughts

Sometimes children ask me what an Athiest is, usually around a campfire at a Jesus Camp, and I lean in close and tell them the Truth: an Athiest is someone who believes that there's nothing. Usually the kids laugh, especially when I explain the rest: "but then, the nothing decides to evolve!" I never get much farther than that, because usually some of the kids have laughed so hard that they're experiencing the Holy Spirit and the rest of us have to make them bite down on something. But I could definitely go on.

See, you can tell an Athiest how silly it is to have evidence, but you can't make them think. Let's face it, they're dumb--that's why they believe in nothing, because it's so easy to think about nothing. I know if I had the choice, I'd think about nothing too, but I believe in God, and that's better than nothing.

If I were ever able to read off the rest of my notecards, I'd tell the kids that Athiests believe that one day, nothing decided to evolve into something, and so there was a sudden explosion, and nothing became something. But then, that something had to go find a girl something so they could make more things. I can't imagine how much Holy Spirit would fill the kids if I got this far--I mean, imagine two nothings deciding to evolve into something, but one chooses to be a boy something and the other chooses to be a girl something, all at the same time--and Athiests think this happened by random chance! How ridiculous!

But anyway, Athiests believe that nothing evolved into something, which then evolved into everything. Somewhere along the way, every thing decided "I want to evolve into something new," and so every little atom evolved an eye (because half of one would be no good), then a fin, then hair, then maybe another eye, and this goes on for hundreds and hundreds of years, until every atom has decided to evolve new bits onto itself. I don't understand how any of this is supposed to work; I've tried concentrating really hard many times and deciding to evolve new body parts--like extra hands, so I can always be praying, or extra eyes so I can keep better watch for the Second Coming of Christ Jesus, or skin that's made of gold and diamonds--but even with the help of all the magic universe-making angels, I can't seem to evolve at all! You'd think the Athiests would see this as a flaw in their beliefs.

Anyway, after everything decides to evolve into some new thing, it has to find something else that decided to evolve into some other new thing, but a new girl thing, or otherwise it'll go extinct. This is why Athiests think the dinosaurs died out, because all the dinosaurs were boy dinosaurs, and none of them could cook or clean dishes, so they all starved to death. This is where the Athiest belief falls apart (again), because what happened to the dinosaurs would happen to every new animal! I mean, who would choose to evolve into a girl? If a dinosaur said "I want to be a girl dinosaur," its dad would beat it with a belt and tell it never to say that again, because that kind of talk would make it into a weak fairy sissy and not a Godly grown-up man. There'd never be any girls!

But there are girls, so either a bunch of really stupid dinosaurs said "I want to evolve into something weak and emotional that has to stay silent and have a man for a head, and I want to get rid of these really cool sharp teeth and claws because they would make it hard to cook and clean," or Athiest evolution is a silly, stupid lie. I think we all know which one of those is true.

I mean, how can you believe that everything comes from a boy-something and a girl-something getting together when all of creation cries out "Jesus!"?

No comments: