Wednesday, April 1, 2009

"Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned"

The title is a joke, you know. I wouldn't want you all to think that I'd gone all Catholic on you or anything. I'd never join those false-prophet Pope-worshippers. I mean, I could see where one of us Godly Protestants might get confused about who we worship because our cross necklaces don't have anyone hanging on them (because HE IS RISEN INDEED!), but those Catholics have Jesus right their around their necks! They can see pretty clearly that Jesus isn't wearing a dress or a giant pointy hat like he's the HomoSINual Queen of Drag, so it's not like the Pope looks anything like him--how do you get confused about which one to worship? And when the Pope dies, like that one a few years ago, they just replace him with a new Pope! How ridiculous! When Jesus died, we Godly Protestants didn't just replace him with another Jesus by voting on smoke colors! That's why it's obvious that Protestants are the Real True Christians; they replaced Jesus with the Pope, and then with a bunch more Popes, and we just follow Jesus, living or dead (but HE IS ALIVE INDEED!).

And don't get me started on their thing with the Virgin Mary. If they weren't so obsessed with virgins, maybe they wouldn't have so many sex scandals.

I said (jokingly) in the title that I'd sinned, which ought to be obvious. We're all sinners, and we've all sinned, and because I don't worship the HomoPope, I can't just go into a port-a-potty next to a man in a dress and have him tell me to write Jesus's name on a blackboard ten times for forgiveness. Only Jesus can forgive, and I'm not perfect, just forgiven, by Jesus, because He's the only one who can forgive.

But I am sorry to all of you for being gone so long. The last time I posted, I realized it was International Athiests Day, or April 1st, because as Psm. 53:1 says, "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." Once again, the Athiests have shown how dumb they are, and how true the Bible is, by declaring their international holiday on April Fools' Day. I mean, don't they realize that they're just telling us that they're all fools? And thus, that the Bible is true, because the Bible also tells us that they're all fools? It's amazing the way God works, revealing the Truth of His existence even in the actions of those who try to deny Him.

Realizing the majesty of that Truth made me decide to rededicate myself to the Lord, and so I put away worldly things like my computer and started reading the Bible again. I focused and prayed and concentrated on God's presence in my life, and the fleece of this fallen world fell away from my eyes! I started seeing signs everywhere, even more than I used to! I was seeing God in the clouds, in the trees, even in oil-slicks on the pavement, and it reminded me that God is everywhere, even inside you and me!

And that's why in May, I realized that God was sending me a sign (from inside me!) when I heard that some Activist Judges in Californi(cation)a were redefining marriage to give special super-rights to the Sodomites and Gamorrettes. I was immediately afraid for my marriage; I'm not married yet, but my future wife is out there somewhere, and in God's eyes, we're already married. That's why it's adultery to look at women with lust: you're cheating on the woman you're already married to in God's eyes! I wasn't about to let some Activist Judges and Sodomites threaten my marriage before it even started for me, so I packed up and went out to Californi(cation)a to start protesting like no one had ever protested before!

I stayed in Californi(cation)a for as long as I could, even after those drag-worshipping Catholics and crazy Mormonists started protesting too. You wouldn't believe how many signs I had to make after that started--I had to not only protest the Sodomites and Gamorrettes, but also the Pope-worshippers and the weirdos who wear golden underwear!

I'm glad to say, though, that God won out (as He always does and always will!). Sure, the heathen Mormonists took credit for it, but I know that the One True God was working through me and the other Real True Christians who were protesting and supporting His Holy Proposition who actually made sure that God's definition of "marriage" stayed intact. Unfortunately, I fear that some damage was done by those long months of unholy redefinition. I can't imagine how many True Christian Marriages failed because men and women suddenly realized that they could give in to those universal burning desires that are only restrained by the force of God's Holy Definitions and choose to commit homosex. Those desires are burning for a reason, Christians--they come from Satan, who probes each of us with his unholy, burning fingers!

That brings us to the election in November. I was torn--obviously I couldn't vote for the baby-killing Muslim Athiest who wasn't even born! But after Holy Huckabee was defeated by the forces of Heathen Math, I didn't have many choices. I liked Ron Paul's stance against baby-killing and the Most Important Right (From my Cold Dead Hands!!), but I didn't think his other supporters were passionate enough, and I didn't like that he was a "doctor" of Athiest Allopathy. I've never liked John McCain, but he seemed like the only choice left. Unfortunately, he went and chose that woman Mrs. Todd Palin for his Vice President, and I don't like the idea of having a woman in that kind of power position. The Holy Bible is very clear on the matter of women in power: "But I suffer not the woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence" (1 Tim. 2:14). I don't see how Mrs. Todd Palin could be properly subordinate to her husband if she were second-in-command of our One Nation Under God.

Plus, John McCain is very old and God could take him at any moment, which would mean that Mrs. Todd Palin would become President! Now, she seemed like a good Christian, so maybe she would have recognized her place and realized that she needed a man for her head (1 Cor. 11:3) and would have stepped aside to let the Speaker of the House take over, or maybe the Presidency would have passed to Mr. Todd Palin, but I can't be sure. I think the idea of having President Mrs. Todd Palin trying to teach good Godly men and refusing to be silent is too scary to be allowed.

So, I figured if the Godless Athiests could nominate a non-citizen like The Muslim, good Godly Christians could vote for another non-citizen, so I wrote in my candidate: Christ Jesus of Nazareth. He may not have been born in our One Nation Under God, but since He's everywhere, it means we were born in Him.

Unfortunately, America refused to restore Christ Jesus to His rightful place at the head of the country, and instead installed a non-citizen Athiest Muslim. I felt the sudden urge to run away, to leave this nation that was clearly no longer under the One True God.

But God spoke to me again, and reminded me that this was His blessed land, and that the other countries lay in the darkness of Athiest Satanism, so I really had nowhere to go. I organized protests, but eventually The Muslim's Christian persecution machine rolled into effect. I found myself followed by cars everywhere I went. The forces of Satan's Evil Conspiracy are Legion, masquerading as all sorts of different people, but I knew who they worked for! I hid myself away, praying in closets and under bushels in fear that the Bilderbergs would come any day to take me away to The Muslim's Gulags for worshipping the One True God. It's only because of my careful preparations, with my generator and canned goods and dehydrated food all made by Good Christian Survivalists, that I was able to survive for months in seclusion.

But Glory Alleluia! God dealt a deadly blow to the moneylenders and the carriagebuilders who had invaded the Holy Temple of America, and so The Muslim is forced to divert his efforts to shoring up Lucifer's failing conspiracy. I thought that would make this the best time to come out of hiding and return to spreading the Word of the One True God to a world that so desperately needs it.

So I beg forgiveness (from God, because only He can give it!) for the sin of omission, omitting posts for so many months, from a world of Athiests and "Skeptics" who so desperately need to hear it, and Christians who need to be reminded of the One Way to Heaven. I hope you'll join me!

Also, I'm pretty sure I wore some mixed fabrics. I need forgiveness for that, too.

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