A Dangerous Alternative

In our One Nation Under God, it's becoming more and more popular for people to seek healing from Alternative Medicine practitioners, such as homeopaths, naturopaths, reikipaths, acupuncturists, and chiromancers. When I first heard about these new possibilities, I was thrilled--anything to keep people from giving money and support to Big Science's pharmaceutical companies and its Athiest agenda to outlaw religion and lead souls away from God.

But then I found out the terrible secret of Alternative Medicine: it's just as Athiestic as Big Science! Those Athiests are everywhere these days! They have a great little conspiracy going: they run Big Science and Big Medicine, so when people go to those places, the Athiest agenda gets the money. Then they take a bunch of magic practices and voodoo from the Godless Communists in China and Japan and use it to create "Alternative Medicine," to catch the people too smart to fall for their first agenda. It's a big Athiest conspiracy to trick the sick and weak out of their money so they can use it to try to kill God.

But, you may ask, don't Alternative Medicine practices work? Absolutely, as certainly as any other Godless witchcraft. For instance, when you go in for acupuncture, they claim to be using special needles to manipulate Chi energy to make you well. And when you leave, you feel better. But here's what really happens: they use those needles to tap into your spiritual energy and draw it out of you! That energy comes from God Himself; these evil witch-doctors are taking away bits of your immortal God-given soul!

You might think that losing part of your soul would hurt, but that's just not the case. Just ask any Athiest--losing your soul makes you feel numb and cold inside, and it makes you feel free--like you could commit any sin and not have to worry about God's Divine Judgment. Of course you feel better; the numbness dulls the pain you went in to get cured, and the mistaken feeling of freedom keeps you from noticing what just happened. If you go through a particularly long or intense session, you might even be tempted to commit a few sins on the way home!

They only take out a little, so you don't get the effect as bad as Athiests do, but that's all part of the Athiests' evil plan. After a few days, the pain you originally felt comes back, and with it is the new pain of being separated from God. So you go back to the acupuncturist, and get more of your soul taken out, which repeats the cycle! Since they only do it a little at a time, you could continue this for years, losing bits of your soul to Athiests, all the while continuing a downward trend into sin and depravity. Do you see how the evil Athiest conspiracy works?

Thank God there's an alternative to Athiest Alternative Medicine. Just as you already know to look for a good Christian doctor when you look for real medicine--one who doesn't murder babies and give out condoms and lollipops to grade school kids--you can also find good Christian Alternative Medicine people. Not just Faith Healers either, though they're always a good idea. There are plenty of Good Christian Acupuncturists who will use their needles to help focus God's breath of life into healing you, Good Christian Naturopaths who use God's own Created Herbs and Plants to heal you, and Good Christian Homeopaths who only use Holy Water with prayers on the bottles, so the water absorbs the healing power of the Almighty.

So be careful when you seek healing from sinful humans; always remember that God is the greatest healer, the only one you can really trust.