Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Comforting Thoughts

If you die tonight, did you know you're going to Hell? Unless you're a good person, which you aren't. Because if you've ever told a lie, that means that you never tell the truth, and that's against the Ninth Commandment. And if you've ever stolen something, that makes you a kleptomaniac.

Jesus said that if you look at a woman with lust in your heart, then that's the same as murder, because you're imagining making a baby with her and that baby will never be born, just like an aborted one.

Have you ever taken the Lord's Name in vain, like as a curse word? That's blasphemy, and it's against the Third Commandment, and God says that anyone who breaks any of the Ten Commandments is going to go to Hell. You're a liar and a kleptomaniac and a murderer and a blasphemer, and that means you deserve to go to Hell.

But I'm a Firefighter, and so I'm going to put out the fires of Hell that are in your soul right now. I know you might not believe in God, and so I'm going to prove it to you, without ever using the Bible to do it.

First, like I said, there's the Ten Commandments. I'm doing this from memory, so I'm not using the Bible. The First Commandment says that Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me (and by "Me" I mean "God," not "me"), which proves that God exists, or else how could he have said that? Do you think someone just pretended to be God and said "Don't worship other Gods before me?" Maybe the false gods in those pagan religions, but not here, this is the real God.

Anyway, how can you look outside and not see God? I mean, I look at a building, and I know that there had to be a God. And I look at a painting, and it tells me that God exists. Lots of paintings tell that God exists, especially "The Last Supper" and Michealangelo's "Sixteenth Chapel." Did you know that God made soda cans?

I don't have enough faith to be an Athiest. I mean, I have a lot of faith, but I can't imagine looking right at God and saying "I don't believe in You and I hate You." What if God started crying, then, because you'd hurt Him so badly? Then you'd feel pretty bad about not believing in Him, I bet.

Athiests have to think they know everything, but only God knows everything, so Athiests all think they're Gods. I'd like to see an Athiest create the universe. Tell me this, Mr. Athiest: what number am I thinking of? See, you don't know everything. Athiests are just a kind of Agnostic, and I think that means they're Russians.

"The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." Psm. 53:1

Athiests believe in evolution, even though they've never seen a cat give birth to a dog, which is what evolution is about. They tell Christians that they're silly for believing things they've never seen, but at least we only believe 6,000 years of things on faith, Athiests believe in billions and billions of years on faith, all going back to a big explosion at the beginning of time. Somehow, all the animals and plants on Earth and all the planets and stars in the universe came out of that explosion. Well, I've seen explosions before, and I've never seen a duck or a crocodile or a star come out of one, just fire and smoke.

And tell me: if the universe began with an explosion, who lit the match? God, that's who.

See, when you believe in God, it's like you're jumping out of an airplane. You see the plane, and you know the plane was built in an airplane factory, and you know the factory has people in it, and those people were built by God, so you know there's a God. But you're falling down, and if you hit the ground, you die and go to Hell. So you have to pray and believe in God, and that's like having a bungee cord. No matter how close you come to Hell, God will cause you to bounce back up to Heaven.

All you have to do is trust in your emotions, circumcise your intellect, and look at the world around you. Look at the beautiful sunsets and the beaches and the palm trees and the bananas, look at the buildings and the paintings and the cars, look at all the people, from the tiniest pygmies to the biggest basketball players. How could all that happen without God?

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